During the months of mourning after a death, we learn to face the reality and the pain of our loss, to say
good-bye to the dead loved one, to restore ourselves, and to reinvest in life once again. In a sense, mourning is
a time of new mastery over our selves and our lives. Recovery comes in the days ahead, when mourning is anew
until those feelings truly dissipate.
Finishing or completing grief comes when we are able to let go of our feeling of grief and our intense connection
with the deceased. Although our love never dies, the pain of our loss can eventually dissolve. Life is change. We
undergo change, loss, and grief from birth onward. Every venture from home, every move, every job or status
change, every loss of a person, pet, belief, every illness, every shift in life such as marriage, divorce, or
retirement, and every kind of personal growth and change may be cause for grief [alcohol/drug recovery] ...
these are little deaths of life.
Even though we have a multitude of opportunities for learning how to handle grief, we usually avoid our feelings
of loss. Our misconceptions about grief keep us from developing the courage we need to face grief. Many of us
fear that, if allowed in, grief will bowl us over indefinitely. The truth is that grief experienced does dissolve. The
only grief that does not end is grief that has not been fully faced. We also misunderstand tears. A slang
expression for crying in our society is "to break down." We act as if weeping is wrong or akin to illness, while
tears actually afford us a necessary release from our intense feelings. Another misconception is that if we truly
loved someone, we will never finish with our grief, as if continued sorrow is a testimonial to our love.
But true love does not need grief to support its truth. Love can last in a healthy and meaningful way, once our
grief is dispelled. We can honor our dead more by the quality of our continued living than by our constantly
remembering the past. Another common misconception is that grief cannot be finished. Finally, there is a
popular belief that self-neglect is part of grief. Healthy grief, however, relies on self-care. Self-neglect is no
testimonial to love. Instead, our deceased loved one would want us to love ourselves, as he or she loved us.
Grief is a wound that needs attention in order to heal. To work through and complete grief means to face
our feelings openly and honestly, to express or release our feelings fully, and to tolerate and accept our feelings
for however long it takes for the wound to heal. It also takes courage to grieve in a society that mistakenly values
restraint, where we risk the rejection of others by being open or different.
In many cases it is our lack of knowledge about grief that increases our fear, despair, hopelessness, and
helplessness when we face a major loss in our lives. The goal here is to increase our understanding and
acceptance of grief as a normal, inevitable life experience. We can each learn to trust that although grief is
painful, it is healthy and surmountable, and that grieving fully will enable us not only to recover, but also to
expand and grow.
Since pain is unavoidable, we can make pain our teacher instead of our enemy. Death is a natural part of
living, yet we act as if death is an outrage. We see death as our enemy; we see ourselves as death's potential
victims. We deny the existence of death. We fear death. We have a curious conviction: that we are immortal.
Death is dramatized as unnatural, unexpected, and horrible.
Here are some philosophical values resulting from the acceptance of death:
We need death to savor life. Death puts us in touch with a sense of a real, individual existence. Death makes
possible decisions for authenticity (courage & integrity).
Death gives us strength to make major decisions. Death reveals the importance of intimacy in life. And the
importance of ego-transcending achievements!
Death shows us the path to self-esteem. Regardless of how it occurs, the death of a loved one is shocking,
painful, and seemingly impossible to accept. We often feel unprepared and therefore devastated by the death.
Our loss is compounded by our characteristic human difficultly in separating from one another; death is the
supreme separation. Whatever the circumstances, confronting death is not easy.
There are two major psychological tasks to be accomplished during the mourning period. The first is to
acknowledge and accept the truth: that death has occurred and that the relationship is now over. The second
task is to experience and deal with all the emotions and problems this loss creates for the bereaved. These
tasks intertwine. Each takes time. Each is necessary for the eventual recovery from grief.
Feelings of grief are very intense and often very mixed. We may feel emotions in an entirely new or different
way. Among the many feelings aroused by loss are sorrow, anguish, disbelief, despair, anxiety, loneliness, guilt,
regret, resentment, emptiness, and numbness, as well as yearning, love, and appreciation for the deceased. All
these are natural feelings of grief that may occur together or at different times. For the sake of maintaining our
emotional health, it is important for us to admit our feelings, not deny them. We must learn to tolerate and accept
our emotions as well as the loss itself.
Emotional pain is not constant, even though we sometimes think it is. Emotional pain feels constant only when all
our energy is going into suppressing those feelings that are so hard to suppress. The natural process in
grieving involves experiencing times of intense feeling and then following them with periods of quiet. Allowing
ourselves to move naturally in and out of pain, instead of forcing artificial controls on our feelings enables us to
go through and complete the grief process more quickly. Confronting grief rather than avoiding it shortens the
duration of the experience.
Before we recover from grief we go through many different moods and reactions in order to come to terms with
death and loss. Hope for reunion is given up slowly. Memories, ideas, and feelings are collected and
relinquished again and again until mourning is completed.
Stages of grief, the three phases of the grieving process:
1. Shock
2. Suffering/Disorganization
3. Aftershocks/Reorganization.
Phase 1 - Shock:
The death of a loved one is always unbelievable. We do not want the death to be true. It feels unreal and
impossible. When we are shocked, we go numb to some extent. Then we become suspended in a state of
unreality, only vaguely aware of what is going on around us. This numbness or anesthesia is temporary. Shock
may last for days or weeks. Anger is one of the few outlets we have for the disbelief, frustration, and
helplessness we feel when we are confronted by death. Despite the fact that under these circumstances anger
may feel uncomfortable and startling, we need to accept it as natural.
People in shock sometimes look stoical, as if they are coping without much emotion. The truth is that in shock we
do not feel the full impact of loss and that therefore we are not yet suffering as we will once the numbness wears
off. Because death is a fact we do not want to believe, it is a long, slow process to overcome our resistance and
accept reality.
Phase 2 - Suffering/Disorganization:
We begin to experience the full impact and pain of facing the finality of our loss. This is nature's way of helping
us express and release our pain. We may ruminate over and be intensely preoccupied with the details of the lost
loved one's life or death, over our relationship with one another, over our memories, over our last encounter,
over unfinished business together, or even over our more abstract ideas about death.
Our minds may be busy in one sense, yet in another sense we may be blank, out in space, unable to focus or
concentrate. Emotionally we feel acute suffering, even hysterical at times. We may find such emotions as
bitterness, anger, self-pity, and guilt especially hard to acknowledge. We need to realize that this is the way in
which grief affects most people. Our doubts about our capacity to cope may cause a temporary diminishing of
our self-esteem.
A sense of impoverishment is characteristic of mourning. Depression and grief are linked. We feel irritable,
dejected in spirits, withdrawn, unresponsive, apathetic, unable to concentrate, powerless, and lacking in
confidence. Loss of appetite and extreme fatigue are also symptomatic of depression and grief. We may be
moody, in pain at times, detached, without emotion at other times; withdrawn and unable to relate to other
people. Negativity, pessimism, emptiness, and a temporary sense of the meaninglessness of life are all
symptoms. We may be acutely restless and then become immobile. Feelings vary, of course, and not everyone
will feel all the emotions mentioned.
The pain of grief is never constant and does not last forever, but comes and goes in waves, with lessening
intensity as time goes on. Sleeping and dreaming may be affected. It is important to rest, keep up our strength,
and maintain our health, even if we are unable to sleep a lot. New aches and pains, and physical symptoms
sometimes develop. Loneliness, yearning, feelings of abandonment, guilt, and self-reproach are all feelings that
we must confront. Generalized tearfulness is also a common feeling.
"If only I had/If only I hadn't"...unrealistically (expectations of ourselves) endowing ourselves with unnatural
responsibility for the death...Obsessively recreating the life and death of the deceased is a way to deny the
reality. When the "if only's" become obsessive and persist for years, the survivor is suffering a pathological
problem.
Ambivalence is another feeling that may arise when a loved one dies. During mourning we often try to deny our
ambivalent feelings and idealize the loved one instead. Extensive idealization is a way of denying feelings like
anger, ambivalence, and guilt. Carried too long, this denial makes coping with the loss and recovering all the
harder to do. Breaking the habits that intertwined our lives with the deceased is a difficult process that takes time.
Also, consciously letting go, little by little, of our attachment to the symbols of our loved one helps in our
recovery from grief. Frequently during this mourning period we may feel irrational, mentally ill, or off-balance,
and may often imagine seeing or hearing the dead loved one. This is a natural part of grief.
Phase 3 - Aftershocks/Reorganization:
After several months, when the reality of death has sunk in more deeply, our needs and the tempo of our lives
begin to change. We tend to react in a different manner during this next stage. We may need more quiet and
fewer people around, when up to now we have been unwilling to be alone. If we have been very quiet and
withdrawn, we may now be ready to resume a more active social life. It may be harder to just sit around.
We may need more fulfilling activity, more involvement in life. However, our need to express ourselves continues
throughout the entire mourning process, whether we honor that need or not. We can see we are moving closer
to recovery from grief when the deceased is no longer our primary focus. With time, this change occurs
naturally, but it can be distressing rather than welcome if we mistakenly believe that our love for the deceased is
measured by the strength of our sorrow.
It is important to clear ourselves of misconceptions like this one so that we can fully reorganize our lives. As our
sense of loss diminishes from intense sorrow to mild sadness, our appetite, sleep, energy, and functioning are
restored pretty much to normal. Now we want to have a future, and we begin to get involved in creating our life
ahead.
In this reorganization phase, although we feel much stronger, we may still be working through our grief as
intensely as before, but in more subtle, less obvious ways. This then may be a time of aftershocks in the form of
unexpected jolts of upset feelings or sudden reminders of our loss and grief. Even though reorganization begins
our re-entry and reinvestment in living, our continued internal processing of grief keeps us from feeling fully
"normal" yet.
Three kinds of help that bolster us during grief (or any other major crisis in life) are:
1. Self-support; (An excellent e-book written by Dr Cliff Kuhn HERE)
2. Environmental support (the network of people and activities that gives our lives meaning); and;
3. Our philosophy or belief system.
Many of us do not involve ourselves socially much beyond our immediate families and our work. We have
excuses that we do not have the time or the energy or the need for much else. Thus, we deprive ourselves of
much of the extensive environmental support that would benefit us. As important as it is for us to take care of
ourselves every day, our need for self-support and self-concern is critical when we are grieving. If we neglect
ourselves at such times, we impede our recovery.
We need to be able to rely on ourselves in times of trouble. Self-support is a form of self-love. Loving ourselves
involves comforting or bolstering, listening to and accepting our own feelings, paying attention to our physical
needs, and making sure that all our needs are met rather than ignored. We need a lot of encouragement to
endure our discomfort and to express ourselves while grieving. We are all tempted at times to run away from
tears and uncomfortable feelings like sadness, anger, loneliness, despair, or neediness.
It takes courage and self-love to believe that experiencing all these feelings will actually help our pain dissolve.
Mourning may require self-supports different from those we are used to. We may need to be more active or
more quiet than usual. We may need to talk more or contemplate more. We may need to express feelings out
loud or write feelings in a journal.
We may need work or responsibility to bolster our self-esteem, or we may need the freedom to take on less
responsibility. Most of all, we need to accept our needs, regardless of what we were like before we suffered this
loss.
In honoring our feelings and needs, we can show our concern for ourselves in the simple things we do to make
ourselves feel better, like taking hot baths or napping each afternoon. Taking care of ourselves may mean
keeping our hands busy or being physically active.
Reading during times of stress or trouble may support us. Some need to travel. Others need to take action, to
get involved in a cause, or help others to get their minds off themselves. A wide range of people and activities
comprise our environmental support system. Here are some:
Bereavement or grief counseling support groups;
Family
Friends - Please feel free to contact my wife "Ruthy" at 530-589-4090, she is a wonderful person. To read her
story regarding the loss of her daughter (HERE)
Neighbors
Little leagues
Family physician
Health-care professions
Psychotherapist/counsel
Church and Clergy
Lawyer
Insurance agent
Financial adviser
Funeral director
Local business people
Sports
Meditation
Adult community college courses
Job/job change or guidance
Volunteer work
Men / women's clubs
Pet
Travel
Move
Remarriage
Stage acting
Music
Dance
The more people and activities we have in our lives, the more expanded and useful our support system.
Examining' all the aspects of our support system is a way for each of us to be more conscious of the means for
creating more satisfying lives for ourselves and, therefore, to be more in control. Developing a full support
system enhances our creative survival.
Although it may be hard to believe, we can recover from our sorrow. Recovery from grief is the restoration of our
capacity for living a full life and enjoying life without feelings of guilt, shame, sorrow, or regret. We have
recovered when we once again feel able to cope with our feelings and our environment, and when we can face
reality and accept our loss on a gut level, not just intellectually. Integrating our loss and reinvesting in our lives
constitute recovery.
The depth of sorrow, the pain, the weeping, the incapacitation, the neediness, and all the intense feelings of
mourning eventually diminish and disappear. We do not forget the loved one or the loss, but the pain recedes.
Usually the dissolving of grief is gradual rather than sudden. In the process of recovering, grief may be triggered
unexpectedly many times before completion. We may go through different waves of pain, until the waves stop
coming. Once we recover, the gap left by the loss may still be evident, but our reactions to it will be less intense.
Recovery results from setting recovery as an essential goal and from living each day as it comes, dealing with
both the regular routine of living and our deepest emotions. It involves having the perspective to realize that
someday we will look back and know that we have fully grieved and survived life's darkest hours.
Whether we experience it or not/ grief accompanies all the major changes in our lives (including alcohol/drug
treatment). When we realize that we have grieved before and recovered, we see that we may recover this time
as well. It is more natural to recover and go on living than to halt in the tracks of grief forever. The low
self-esteem that is characteristic of the mourning period often interferes with our believing that we can recover
from grief. But eventually, hanging on to such feelings as guilt or shame or resentment will delay the return of
our self-confidence.
Our expectations, willingness, and beliefs are all essential to our recovery from grief. It is right to expect to
recover, no matter how great the loss. Recovery is the normal way. When we expect to recover, and know it is
possible, we set recovery as a goal to reach for.
On the other hand, if we get caught up in the popular belief that the pain of loss is never-ending, we doom
ourselves to feelings of hopelessness and continued sorrow.
Willingness to recover is essential. What it takes to recover is a willingness to hope, a willingness to go on with
one's life, a willingness to let go of the pain, and a willingness to heal fully. If we cannot find such willingness, we
need to examine our resistances to healing.
For total recovery from a loss, we must finish, or complete, our grief. The concept of finishing means that we can
finish or complete any experience in life, that what is past can truly be relinquished. It involves directly
experiencing or expressing anew or again all the emotions connected with the unfinished situation, experiencing
the full impact again in the now, until all the feelings are dissipated. The goal of finishing is to move feelings or
experiences from foreground to background, to gain relief, and to attain some shift in perspective.
If we do not finish with our grief, we experience problems and symptoms such as personality changes,
progressive social isolation, anxiety, fearfulness, depression, deadening of emotions, insomnia, constant colds
or other chronic physical symptoms, addictions and destructive pastimes such as promiscuity or gambling. Often
we are unwilling to let go and let our loved one be dead. Denying grief causes our pain, distress, and inability to
let go of the deceased to persist. Unfinished situations are filled with the same emotion and intensity as ever,
even years later.
Sometimes problems in our relationships indicate our unfinished grief, such as difficulty in forming new
relationships, reluctance to trust or be close, lack of interest in others, or excessive need for other people.
Difficulty in proceeding with life, long after a loss is a major sign of unfinished grief.
Our grief may be unfinished because the means we used to complete it was ineffective. For example, ruminating
about and being obsessed with sorrow are necessary in the first flush of mourning, but ineffective completion
tools months after death occurs. Attempts to rationalize or think ourselves out of grief are circular. We run
around the same track again and again without the necessary break in perspective that emotional release
provokes in completing a grief experience.
Trying to reason ourselves out of grief, or out of any feeling, rarely works. Likewise, swallowing feelings or
pretending that feelings are gone, are ways in which we fool ourselves into thinking we are finished with grief.
Disowned or denied feelings do not simply disappear.
Learning how to finish is an important skill for each of us to develop, whether we are facing finishing with dead
people or with live ones, finishing with old experiences or old aspects of ourselves. How long it will take to finish
grieving is an individual matter. Living with and expressing grief feelings is healthy! Also necessary, in the first
months after a loss.
Depending on how important the lost loved one was to the survivor, healthy finishing can occur as early as three
months after the loss or as long as a year or two later. Whenever unfinished feelings are perceived, even years
later, it is time to finish. It is never too late to complete our grief.
Technique for finishing:
First ask yourself, do I want to finish? If the answer is yes, sit down facing an empty chair. Remain seated quietly
for a few minutes, and breathe deeply to help yourself relax. Now imagine that the person with whom you wish to
finish is seated in the chair opposite you. Imagine focusing your thoughts and feelings on the person or issue at
hand. Then begin by sharing out loud whatever comes to mind, any feeling that this experience evokes.
It is essential that you be true to yourself, which means that you allow yourself to express whatever you feel.
Sentences that begin with "I" best elicit feelings. One way to begin might be to express your discomfort about
doing this kind of dialogue or to express feelings such as "I have carried around my sorrow at losing you for
years now" or "I still feel angry at you" or "I have never had any feelings or reactions to your death."
Your feelings may rush forth after your opening sentence. That is the time to say whatever you feel, aloud. If you
do not feel much happening for you, or if you feel stuck, you can try saying either "I am angry at you" or "I am
still angry at you for dying," or the reverse, "I am sad" or "I still miss you." Usually then your true feelings will
come to the surface.
These simple, straightforward, and emotionally charged expressions are designed to enable you to evoke your
own deeper feelings. It is best to take time to check out what feels true for you. Whatever feeling emerges
naturally is a true one. If you experiment with a feeling that does not seem to fit or something that feels false,
drop that expression or feeling.
If you suspect you have more feelings in one area than are emerging, stay with those and keep repeating a
sentence that represents the feelings like "I am sad," until the feelings begin to rise within you. Bottled-up
feelings need to be encouraged to come out into the open.
You may feel certain that you have no anger. Nevertheless, check out your feelings by saying aloud several
times "I am angry at you..." to discover what the truth is. You might also try the reverse, "I am not angry at you,"
to see if that feels true. Anger can be expressed by yelling, punching a pillow, shredding books, slamming doors,
and running; non-harmful physical ways.
Often a central part of the process of finishing is acknowledging that the person is gone. If one is denying the
death, it is necessary to confront such truths as "I know you are dead" or "I know I am not going to see you
again." Admitting the death can be a great relief. Understanding and finishing with loss hinges on our admitting
what we lost. Knowing precisely what is now gone, enables us to grieve fully and perhaps fill that gap in the
future. Here are some examples,
To help us identify for ourselves what is unique in our own loss:
1. She was always there for me no matter what and without her I feel alone.
2. He was the first person who seemed to understand me.
3. He always gave me such good advice.
4. She made me laugh like no one I ever knew.
5. I hurt and it is not my fault.
Another key expression that may evoke hidden feelings about a loss is "I wish..." It is helpful to begin one or
several sentences with "I wish" and see what emerges. Often our secret wishes keep us from letting go or from
coping with the loss in a more constructive, life-affirming way. There is no no need to fear unusual body
sensations, which are simply confirming your emotional state. They will disappear after your emotions are
expressed and released. In addition to, or instead of, the kind of dialogue just mentioned, you may want to
express, aloud, your appreciations and resentments to the person you are imagining. In this way you can see
what feeling you may have held back, what feelings you have about the relationship, and what you learn about
yourself.
Expressing appreciations and resentments can be very helpful in enabling us to let go. Whatever feelings you
are expressing, continue your dialogue until you feel you have no more to say. If you are unsure whether there
is more, you can try saying aloud "I feel finished with you now." Then you can try the reverse, "I don't feel
finished with you yet." Either of these might be true for you. If you are still not sure, you can keep repeating
these contrasting ideas until one or the other feels true. Similarly, you might use the sentence "I am ready to say
good-bye to you now," or "I am not ready to say good-bye to you yet." When you feel ready, you can say
good-bye, arid whatever saying good-bye entails for you, be sure to express fully the feelings that emerge in
and around saying good-bye.
Carrying on such a dialogue is a profound tool for tapping inner feelings and moving toward resolution of guilt or
other problems. In addition, you may want to play the role of the deceased person with whom you have been
speaking. Although you may feel awkward or skeptical about being the other person, playing the role of the
other can be an opportunity for objectivity and real insight. Sit in the opposite seat, facing your self. Then allow
yourself to respond, or to speak for the deceased.
If it feels right, this dialogue can be continued between you and the deceased, changing chairs as you do so.
Each person in the dialogue then has a chance for self-expression and completion. Even though you create this
dialogue, it can have a great impact and will allow you to examine your contrasting feelings. Although you may
feel self-conscious or skeptical, risking this kind of experience may enable you to finish grieving. Photographs
and personal belongings can be useful, too.
Another method for dialogue with a dead person is to first close your eyes and picture the person. Then, aloud,
call to that person by name. You can keep calling until your grief feelings emerge. The dialogue can then be
continued in any of the ways mentioned. We are finished when our grief feelings seem dissipated, when we can
think of the loss or the loved one without pain, and when we can incorporate the fact of the death into our lives.
Finishing is essential if we are to live enriched, satisfying lives. What is unfinished pulls on us still, takes up our
energy, and thus reduces our capacity for living. It would be ideal if we could be fully authentic and stay current
in every one of our relationships; that is, share ourselves and our feelings openly and honestly, so that we would
not have such backlogs of unfinished business when we have to say good-bye.
Finishing, which involves the willingness to experience and express feelings fully, usually leads to a release of
feelings, after which a shift in perspective and then resolution occurs. Finished, one feels free, relieved,
peaceful, even joyous, with the flood of new energy from within. Finished, we are free to remember and to love
without pain, sorrow, or regret.
When a loved one dies we are confronted with a profound challenge. We can either give up or grow from the
experience. Our pain can provoke us to be bitter, angry, disappointed - even to consider quitting. Our pain can
mobilize us to live, risk, experiment, and experience. From our pain we can learn and grow, to live again. Each of
us can be a creative survivor. We can choose to turn personal tragedy into life-affirming action or personal
change.
Grief is an integral part of the human experience; each of us must face some sorrow, disappointment, and critical
ending in our lives. In order to survive we must learn to face loss and grief fully and to trust that we can recover
and re-create our lives. As we journey through these painful experiences of living, we must never forget that we
have an amazing resilience and capacity to survive." - The Courage to Grieve by Judy Tatelbaum, Harper & Row
Publishers, 1980 The Road Less Traveled by M Scott Peck, MD Touchstone/Simon & Schuster Publishers,
1978. * The first of the "Four Noble Truths" which Buddha taught was "Life is suffering."
For further help with the grieving process - University of Texas - Grieving website (HERE)
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